Studio Diary #8 October 6th-11th 2003.

Monday
Went to see the movie YOUNG ADAM when I was over in Scotland at the weekend and it's gone and wedged itself inside my head and won't budge.The way it's been shot is quite, quite beautiful and I have to admit, highly erotic.I don't usually find sex scenes in movies very titillating at all.Usually my toes are curled in excrutiating horror whenever you see people trying to be "sexy" on screen but in this movie.......i dunno.....the sex is really charged.I loved it...and not just because it's been made by a supremely gifted scottish director and cast...........and not because you see Ewan Magregor's sexy willie in it.......but because it's deeply moving and poetic and ambiguously mysterious.
God my mind is in such a dark place of late.I feel like the dark forces of the world are perilously close to taking over my life.My dad keeps reminding me of the phrase "It's always darkest just before the dawn" in a valient attempt to raise my flagging spirits but my god.....I've never been more conscious of my physical disintegration,my mortality.I feel like I'm surrounded by death and despondancy and people giving up everywhere around me.It's all so profoundly depressing.
I'm sitting listening to "Parade" on my IPOD and wondering whatever happened to that girlish mood I inhabited back then when we recorded that song? I feel like a completely different person entirely.
WHat on earth has happened to me this year?
What stripped me of that positive,philosophical outlook?!?!?!!
My little sister keeps laughing at me and saying things like"Don't worry so much.You have an artistic temperament.Just go with it and stop worrying about fixing yourself.Live Shirley.Just LIVE."
But it's hard to do the easy stuff.You cruise through the huge traumas in some respects .........only to find that you break down into uncontrollable weeping when you can't open a jar of beetroot.
What's that all about? I ask you.
Anyway......here's a lovely description about music in a book called "The Cunning Man" which I'm reading right now by the writer, Robertson Davies.
"To me the forest was peace and loneliness and freedom to think and feel as I pleased.It was tangible nobility and it struck into my life without literary interference.Later in my life,when i was far from the forest,I found the same thing in music."
I love that: Peace and loneliness and freedom to think and feel as I pleased.


Tuesday
Totally disturbed to hear all the shit that's going on with Courtney.Bloody hell........doesn't she realise that in general the mainstream is just dying to watch her spiral into a nose dive?!?!?! And her loss of control is playing straight into their hands.The best thing Courtney could have done is kept herself clean and in control instead of falling back into her old role of delinquent daughter.
Why give them what they want?!?! Be the girl with the most cake. Get back into rehab. Get strong and then stick it to them all with another great rock record.It's the only way forward.It's the only answer.
C'mon babe....we know you can do it.
I swear to god though........I'm really worried about her.I don't want Courtney to be crushed by the power of the norm.I want to see her bloom and grow and bust people's balls and oh....just hear her sing again.
Meanwhile...........all of us in the midwest are glued to the tv watching the Chicago Cubs slog it out against the Florida Marlins.I can't believe how nuts the chicago fans are going ,despite losing tonight.It's going to be an interesting series.

Wednesday
Arnie as govenor of California? You've GOT to be kidding me.Oh well.........what can you do but grin and bear it? At least I don't live in California.That's the lovely thing about Madison.It's a democratic enclave.
Och anyway...............I'm in SUCH a good mood right now that nothing seems to be getting me too down in the mouth for I am glued to the television set watching the Spurs play an exhibition match against the Grizzlies in my beloved Paris.The french are going crazy over the Spurs point guard Tony Parker because he grew up in France! It's all very feelgoodtime and I'm in heaven.My darling Timothy came on court and I nearly swooned.He's so weird looking but oh he's so *dreamy*.
Bloody hell............I can't believe I've turned into such a sports fan.It's quite alarming.I think I'm going to have to start on one about make-up and shopping soon.Much healthier preoccupations for someone in my shoes.

Thursday
Damn I want to get me some of those russian hangover pills that everyone's been talking about lately.Butch and I were talking about them earlier today and now I want to go out and get me some and then get tanked to the top every night for weeks on end.That would be so sweet.
Imagine.......NO HANGOVERS. AHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bliss.
Currently listening to FatherFucker by Peaches.I love her SOOOoooo much.I met her in Australia last year on the Big Day Out and she was such a riot.All dressed up in a riding hat and fishnets weilding her crop,getting ready to go freak out all the little boys down the front of her stage.Ha ha ha ha......

Friday
Had a total freakout yesterday.Just went completely fucking mental.I have absolutely no idea what precipitated the outburst but I just went off on one.It was very VERY strange indeed.
Now I'm completely exhausted and just want to go back to bed but I've got hours and hours ahead of me.Oh well........I guess I've made it this far.
Saw the new video from my darling Brody Armstrong and her band The Distillers today.My god she has such an incredible voice!!! It really is amazingly beautiful! Full of body and fierce,feral fury.And she looks so hot in the video.Like a young Joan Jett.
OOOhhhhhhh I dream of more girls like her coming to the fore.It's been an exciting year for the ladies.It's not often two girls like Brody and Karen O prowl out of the shadows and grab a torch for those of us who are looking for a little more from our music stars than a fine ass and a tight midriff!!!!

Saturday
Went to see the movie "Thirteen" tonight.It was wickedly sharp and on the money.It's pitch perfect in it's depiction of two thirteen year old girls teetering on the cusp of adulthood and their perilous journey of self-discovery on the razor edge of adolescence.I swear I could have been watching scenes out of my own life half the time.It's another GO SEE.I swear it is.
There are quite a few movies I have to see this month:
Lost in Translation
School of Rock
Mystic River
Etre Avoir