The Wisconsin Cheese Gazette.                                                     Saturday June 3, 2000                        Page B2

Student driver trashes Madison, leads Police on chase !

Madison, Wisconsin : The residents of Downtown Madison are still rebuilding after a Sudent Driver, thought to be Shirley Manson of the rock band " Garbage " wreaked havoc on downtown streets yesterday while on route to the Department of Motor Vehicles to take her driving test. The first reports of damage started coming into the Madison Police Department around 2:15 yesterday afternoon. The reports ranged from " Driving on sidewalks ", " Mowing down traffic signs " , and several incidents involving Fire Hydrants, which seemed to be her favorite targets.

Soon after responding to the scene police observed Manson behind the wheel of a gray sedan trying to free her vehicle from a Fire Hydrant at the intersection of South and Main St. However as Police approached the vehicle Manson was able to break free from the Hydrant and took off heading east. A 35 mile chase trough the outskirts of Madison soon took place,and was later joined by State Police in a joint effort to apprehend Ms.Manson.The high speed chase ended when authorities lost Manson at a congested cattle crossing just outside of Cross Plains. When asked later Sgt. Eugene A. Dudley of the Wisconsin State Police said : " We almost had`er ! We had to call off the pursuit because of the large concentration of Dairy Cattle blocking the road and at this point were concerned for the safety of the Livestock. We`re asking that anyone with information on Ms.Manson`s where about`s contact State Police Headquarters, or the Madison Police Dept. "
When asked about his favorite cheese, Sgt. Dudley replied : "Cheddar of course !"

The suspects vehicle was later found abandoned miles away at the home of a Steven Marker where State Police say Manson failed to negotiate the garage while attempting to hide the car. Neighbors of Mr. Marker reported seeing " A women with red hair, about 5' 7" tall " flee the scene on foot. No one was home at the residence when the accident occurred and according to witnesses the suspect appeared to be uninjured from the crash. Minutes later homeowner Steven Marker and co-worker Duke Erikson arrived to witness the destruction at the Marker home. Mr. Marker was quoted as saying : " I have no comment and if you ask me about cheese again I`ll kill ya ! I hate cheese ! "
However Mr.Erikson had this to say : " I`m glad she`s ok and I`m sure she`ll turn up soon. She`s learning to drive and just needs alittle more practice "
When asked if he would ever ride in a car Manson was driving, Erikson replied : " Phuhhhh, Are you crazy ? "
Erikson also responded, " Yes Sir, I think her favorite cheese is Jarlsberg, why ? "

At press time, Authorities have yet to apprehend Ms. Manson but say " She can`t get far. "
" We have every " Starbucks " within a 50 mile radious under surveillance ! " Police believe she may be hiding out at Smart Studio`s in Madison and are trying to obtain a search warrant of the premises.
When reached by phone an unidentified source at Smart Studios was quoted as saying : " Yo ! I think Shirl just needs to learn how to tweak the knobs on the dashboard a little better, especially the stereo to smooth out the frequencies and loose the really heavy bottom end coming out of the speakers, Enhance ! "